with her thighs astride his beard-roughened cheeks

lowered herself intently

then rode and smothered him

in peach-slickened flesh and

a burning hot hive full of warm running honey

We were fucking & he asked me if the toe ring I had on was new.

It was. I think that was cute.

He’s being really open with the ily’s lately. It’s nice.

I am actually kinda lonely without him. The house feels empty, even though it’s filled with stuff. I had dinner, I made ground beef with indian spices & extra hot w/ a little bit of noodles. I didn’t want to go carb crazy. The five-seven pounds I’ve put on is actually bothering me a lot. I feel my stomach shaking when I walk and it makes me want to vomit. There is tons of leftovers. I bought diet pills w/ Kyle on Sunday, I’ve been taking them today. I felt strung out; but for some reason I always enjoy being jittery. I put Gregg’s camp chair on the balcony, I thought it’d be nice to sit in a chair while he’s gone. I don’t think he’d mind; I just know he likes all his camping stuff in one place. I took 2 benedryl tonight, my hives are pretty intense this summer. I really wish I knew why I get them. At work today I had one on my stomach that made me want to rip my clothes off and tear my skin apart. I also drank diet cheerwine that we got in Virginia with rum. I liked it, but it was only enough for two glasses. It’s probably for the best I don’t over do drinking while he’s gone. The pepper plants have two baby peppers already growing on them, and the other two seeds, strawberry and bell peppers sprouted today. The desert rose is blooming, it’s a really pretty color of pink. I am wearing both of the belly bands that make your stomach sweat, I need to lose some water weight. The new guy at work is being really talkative, which means I shouldn’t really talk to him -because he’ll get the wrong idea & men are stupid and assume because a female talks to you while you’re smoking -that they want to fuck you. This weekend I’m going to Alabama, Jessica is going to talk my head off, Casey suggested I stay at her house, which I’d prefer but I’m sure Jessica would be offended with me not staying at her mom’s. I keep thinking about Trail days, I wish the two people I met & gave my card to would contact me. I’d love to send the thur-hiker a book & the girl, well, I’d just like to be friends with her, she was really cool. I love meeting people that I just instantly connect to. Coming home to a drunken Gregg last night was a task, and I was reminded with my old logic, that love is a sacrifice -which I then talked myself out of. I don’t want to be accepting of ideas that are at the root dropping my standards down to be okay with who I am with. So, I smoked a cigarette, brushed my teeth, washed my hands, kissed him goodnight, reminded him verbally that I loved him, and went to bed. I wasn’t sacrificing, I just was avoiding it. He came to bed a little bit later, I moved the wet clothes from the washing machine to the dryer & came back to bed. We ended up fucking. Well, I fucked him so I came & then went to bed while he was sprawled across the bed snoring. I love that person -he’s so… him. I love the rules that he plays his life by -even though sometimes they get the better of me. R always said that the thing he loved about me the most was my patience, I wonder if Gregg sees that as well. I wonder if he loves that part of me. Speaking of R, Saturday everyone kept asking me about my boyfriend, & I had forgotten, that the last time I saw most of those people was Jessica’s wedding when I had brought R as my date. It’s so incredibly difficult to explain what happened there. I said we weren’t together anymore, and they would ask why, -& really all I can still say is that he stopped talking to me. I mean, I know now that it didn’t work for a clear number of reasons, and it is for the better that it’s over & such. But, explaining that is mighty awkward. Meh, oh well. I like where I am at currently. I need to get to bed, it’s nearly midnight & I’m sleepy from the benedryl. 

I just sucked him off while he filmed me. We re-watched after. It’s pretty sexy till the face fucking part, although that’s my favorite. I kept spitting on him, I wonder if he enjoys that. I like degrading him the little bits I can. I showed the camera the big load on my tongue. He asked if he should delete it, I said no worries, he can save it.

I pretended the camera was her.

I feel stupid & confused. I thought clearing up that I had decided to ignore however I was feeling would solve that big dark mysterious thing looming over our heads. But, somehow that made everything worse?

Anytime I bring anything up even in a joking way it’s always brought up about how passionately in love she is with her boyfriend. I get it. Back off. Chill out Allie. I was just trying to convey that.

So, like basically… I thought the idea of just messing around with a girl would be cool, but I’d want like a mutual acknowledgment of umm feelings or something first. And that’s not really your M.O., it seems.

Does that mean she has feelings for me? or no?
I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
& trying to “talk it out” upsets her to sign off.

Sunlight pooled on the wooden deck
like soup—sun soup. A woman did yoga
by the railing, her slender arms
assailing heaven.

I confessed that I am afraid to die
with poems left unsaid inside me,
and he said, “You will.
You’ll die with a great poem in your heart
that will never see paper.”

We were quiet then. A bee buzzed
perilously close to my sweaty thigh,
and I heard it: I heard
the danger and sweetness inside everything.

by Alison Luterman

Got off work
Aimlessly walked around Sweetbay looking for something to eat
Left there without anything
Went to Qudoba for a burrito
Drove to Wesley Chapel
Stopped at Walgreen’s
Bought generic tub cleaner, that smelly stuff you sprinkle on your carpet before vacuuming, cigarettes, nail polish, no bite polish, nail polish remover, cuticle stick.
Went to his place
Drank a beer
Tidied up
Moved couch & rug a foot backwards
Drank 2 beers
Sprinkled that smelly stuff/vacuumed
Drank a beer
Cleaned his tub for the 3rd time
Watched Greek
Drank a beer
Ate cold burrito 2 hrs after I bought it
Drank a beer
Moved lappy by dryer after Greek to watch Cougar town while folding clothes
Finished another beer
Started crying
“I don’t belong anywhere”
“I have no home”
Cried
Read R e-mail to make it worse
Hated him
J tried to console me, got annoyed
Read Speaker of the Dead to change thoughts
Crawled into bed

God drunk, I cried for awhile.

I hope he gets me a collar. I’m ready to submit entirely. I don’t want to think, just serve a purpose.

I love folding a mans clothes.

“You and most women.”

Édouard-Henri Avril (21 May 1843 – 1928) was a French painter and commercial artist. Under the pseudonym Paul Avril, he was an illustrator of erotic literature.

Born in Algiers, Avril studied art in various Paris salons. From 1874 to 1878 he was at the École des Beaux Arts in Paris. Having been commissioned to illustrate Théophile Gautier’s novel Fortunio, he adopted the pseudonym Paul Avril. His reputation was soon established and he received many commissions to illustrate both major authors and the so-called “galante literature” of the day, a form of erotica. These books were typically sold in small editions on a subscription basis, organised by collectors.

Avril illustrated such works as Gustave Flaubert’s Salammbô, Gautier’s Le Roi Caundale, John Cleland’s Fanny Hill, Jean Baptiste Louvet de Couvray’s Adventures of the Chevalier de Faublas, Mario Uchard’s Mon Oncle Barbassou (scenes in a harem), Jules Michelet’s The Madam, Hector France’s Musk, Hashish and Blood, the writings of Pietro Aretino, and the anonymous lesbian novel Gamiani. His major work was designs for De Figuris Veneris: A Manual of Classical Erotica by the German scholar Friedrich Karl Forberg.

Avril died at Le Raincy in 1928.